If you drive a fancy sports car in Miami, just know you can’t really do much with it. You can’t take sharp turns. You can’t put loud mufflers on it. You can’t rev your engine in any neighborhood worth driving through. The cops are doubling down on every car that costs more than a house.
That $300,000 Lamborghini you just bought? Congratulations. You just paid a quarter million dollars to drive 25 miles per hour in a school zone with somebody filming you for TikTok.
You already got haters. Now you adding cops?
Here’s what people don’t realize. The second you pull up to any neighborhood in Miami in a six-figure car, you already got enemies. The guy at the gas station is judging you. The lady walking her dog hates you. Your neighbors are talking about you in the group chat.
And you decide to add the law to that? You wanna add cops to your hater list? That’s the worst kind of hater you can have, man. Cops harassing you. Following you around. Pulling you over for a busted tail light that isn’t even busted. Just so they can run your plates and get a story.
Cops harassing you. Targeting you. All because you wanna flex something that was a terrible investment. Which you already knew.
Nobody is even looking at you
Here’s the part that hurts. Nobody in Miami actually looks at the driver of a fancy car. We look at the car. We don’t even glance at the person behind the wheel. We’re picturing ourselves driving it.
You think we’re impressed? We’re imagining us in there with our shades on. You’re invisible. You’re just the guy holding the wheel. We don’t even know what you look like.
So you spent $300,000 to be ignored. While being a ticket magnet. While not being able to actually drive the car the way it was built to be driven.
What that money could have done
Let’s just talk about the math for a second.
$300,000 in Miami real estate. Even at today’s prices, that’s a fractional payment on a house. Maybe a small condo somewhere. You at least get a deed. You at least have something that goes up in value.
$300,000 in the S&P 500 over 30 years. Just sitting there. Doing nothing. Compound interest does the work. You retire on a beach somewhere not stressed about anything.
$300,000 to charity. You become a person who actually changed someone’s life. People talk about you forever. They name a building after you maybe.
$300,000 on a sports car. You drive 25 miles per hour while a kid on a Citi Bike does a wheelie next to you yelling something at you in Spanish.
You pick.
You can’t even be loud
The part that really kills me about owning these cars in Miami is you can’t even use them. You bought a Ferrari. The whole point of a Ferrari is the engine. The sound. The acceleration. The roar.
Ticket. $1,000.
You bought a McLaren. The whole point is to drive it fast. Open it up.
Ticket. License suspended.
You bought a Lambo with the doors that go up. You wanna pull up to a club, doors up, photo for the Gram.
Cop sees you. You’re being investigated for street racing. Now you’re explaining yourself in court.
You spent the money for a car that, in Miami, you basically have to pretend doesn’t have an engine. You drive it like a Honda Accord. So why didn’t you just get the Honda Accord? You’d have $290,000 left over.
The flex you didn’t think about
You know what cops don’t pull over? A 2019 Toyota Camry. They don’t even register that the Camry is on the road. The Camry is invisible. The Camry has rights.
You wanna actually live in Miami and not get harassed? Drive something boring. Save the difference. Spend it on time. Spend it on freedom. That’s the actual luxury here.
Or keep the sports car and learn to enjoy speeds of 35 miles per hour while the camera flashes on you every 12 blocks. Your call.
Got into this on the podcast. Skip to the sports car breakdown.
Live comedy in Miami at miamicomedy.com. Mondays and Fridays at Thank You Miami. Tuesdays and Saturdays at Blackbird Ordinary. Cheaper than a ticket.
