Brightline Miami to Orlando: The 305 Takes Over the 407

Brightline Miami to Orlando changed everything, and Orlando doesn’t even know it yet. The 305 to the 407 in about three and a half hours, on a train, with a drink in your hand. You know what that means? Orlando is now North Miami. That’s it. It’s ours. Because once you give Latinos a direct train to anywhere, we’re going. We’re bringing the cafecito, we’re bringing the speaker and we’re bringing abuela. Bad Bunny and Pitbull are now officially part of the Mickey Mouse crew. Disney is Miami now. That’s just the way we roll. We’ve always been the kind of city that takes credit for everything, even though we live in a bubble.

01Brightline Miami to Orlando Turned Disney Into Miami

And think about who’s behind this thing. Brightline is a private company. That means investors. Corporate people. CEOs. And I’m pretty sure Mickey Mouse is one of them, because out of every city in Florida, where did the train go first? Orlando. I can picture Mickey in a suit at the head of a conference table, looking around at all the investors, and he goes, “We need more Latinos in the most magical place on Earth. From now on, I’m Miguelito. That’s Pato Donald. And Minnie Mouse is now Mima.”

And Orlando can’t stop it. They used to be the ones coming down to visit us. They’d come to South Beach for the weekend, get sunburned and go home with a shot glass. Now it’s reversed. Now we’re up there every weekend in Crocs and a Heat jersey, standing in line for Space Mountain asking the worker if there’s a VIP option. “Oye, my cousin works here, can we skip?” Give it five years and there’s going to be a ventanita in the Magic Kingdom. Mark my words.

02The Train Should Run on Miami Time

When they first announced the Orlando route, it got delayed. Of course it did. That’s typical Miami behavior. Even the Brightline was running on Miami time. “It’s right around the corner, trust me.” Train’s still sitting in West Palm Beach. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”

And honestly, that’s how Brightline should operate if they want to stay on brand. If your trip is at 9:30, the train should show up around 9:45, maybe 10:15-ish. The people of Miami have their own schedules. To really serve this city, the train should be a little flaky. “Hey guys, I know I said I’d be there at 9:30, but it looks like I’m not gonna make it. Let’s do it tomorrow morning.” And then you pull up the next day with your ticket and they go, “Oh no, this ticket isn’t valid anymore.” Brightline, you’re so flaky. But that’s Miami. Eventually we’ll find the rhythm.

03Premium vs Smart: The Seats Are Just Two Inches Different

So I went on the website to see how you book a ticket, and there are two options. The cheap one is called Smart. The expensive one is called Premium. Now, with Premium, you get to board first, you get the good seats, quote unquote, and you get a lounge. Meanwhile, the Smart ticket people go to the back of the train. They paid about half of what you paid, and their seats are two inches smaller. Two inches. That’s the whole upgrade. I’ve had better upgrades at a Wendy’s.

And the lounge, from what I saw, had a scanner and a printer. Let me just say this. If you’re going on a trip, why do you need a scanner and a printer? If you’re thinking, “Let me print these documents for the office real quick,” you’re already on the train. It’s too late. If those documents still need to be printed, you don’t have a job when you get back.

And can we talk about the names? Premium people walk in first and sit down, and then the Smart people walk past them to the back. “Hey there, smart guy, enjoy the trip.” I think they got the titles reversed. The guy who paid double for two inches is not the smart one.

04Brightline Needs a Miami Party Train

Brightline, you’re leaving money on the table, and I’m going to fix it for you for free. Well, not free. I want twenty percent. If you want to sell Premium tickets to Miami, forget the lounge. Forget the little office. Turn one of those cars into a mini nightclub. A DJ, a little bottle service, some LED lights, and a bouncer at the door so the Smart ticket people can’t get in. “No, no, no, you’re on the other side of the train. You’re not part of this crew.”

Think about it. It’s three and a half hours. What does Miami want to do on the way to Universal and Disney World? Pregame. Party buses are already a huge business down here. A party train is the same thing, but better, because when a party bus parks, the night is over. When the train gets to Orlando, we’re just getting started. We walk off the train already dancing, and Orlando is like, “What’s happening?” Miami is happening.

Now, there is one problem Brightline is going to have to deal with, and I’m just going to say it. How long until people start using that train to bring “souvenirs” up to Orlando? Some guy in Crocs, a Mickey Mouse shirt and a fanny pack is never getting double-checked. Nobody suspects the fanny pack. I’m just saying, the snow globes coming out of Miami are going to be extra snowy. Wink wink.

05Halloween Horror Nights Is Now a Miami Thing

And here’s the one Brightline needs to push hard every fall. Halloween Horror Nights. Now that we can get to Orlando on a train, Halloween Horror Nights is basically a Miami event. Brightline, do the holiday specials. Have the conductor dress up as the Grim Reaper and walk up and down the aisle freaking people out. Whatever it takes. Miami people need that, because our haunted houses can’t compete. Down here, the scariest thing in your house is the mortgage bill. Up there, they have professionals jumping out of trash cans.

But I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Once Miami takes over Halloween Horror Nights, it’s not going to be a horror thing anymore. It’s going to be a reggaeton thing. You’re walking through the park, a guy jumps out at you with a chainsaw and somebody from Hialeah starts dancing with him. The girl from The Ring crawls out of the TV and somebody starts twerking on her. “How many days I got left, baby? Seven days? All I need is tonight.” Congratulations, Universal. The people of Miami are now part of your theme park.

And honestly, that’s why I think the Brightline Miami to Orlando route is one of the best things to happen to this city. We spend so much time in our bubble. Now we can expand. We get to take in the rest of Florida and contribute to it instead of keeping all this culture to ourselves. Orlando gets our music, our food and our energy. We get roller coasters. That’s a fair trade. So get your ticket, get the Smart seat, save your money for the park, and when you get there, tell them Miami sent you. They’ll know.