Miami Halloween Costumes Only Locals Will Get

Miami Halloween costumes should be about Miami. Every year I see the same thing. Ten Spider-Mans, six Wednesdays, a couple of guys who just put on a hockey mask and called it a night. Boring. You live in the most ridiculous city in America. We have characters walking around here every single day that are scarier, funnier and more iconic than anything you’ll find at Party City. So this year, skip the store. Here are the Miami Halloween costumes that only locals will get, and that will win every costume contest from Hialeah to the Grove.

01The Afilador, the Pata Sucia and Sebastian the Ibis

Number one, and I’ll fight anybody on this, is the afilador. The knife sharpener. All you need is a bicycle, a grinding wheel strapped to it, a little bag of knives and that whistle. That’s the whole costume. You don’t even have to knock on doors for candy. Just ride down the street at 9 AM playing that little tune on the whistle and every Cuban grandmother on the block will come outside holding scissors. Is that a horror movie or a Halloween costume? Both. That’s why it works.

Number two is the pata sucia. This one is cheap. Put on a tight dress, carry your heels in one hand, walk barefoot on the sidewalk and look tired. Bonus points if you hold a half-eaten empanada. Everybody at the party is going to see you and go, “Oh, it’s 4 AM on Ocean Drive.” Instant recognition. Your feet will be filthy by midnight, but that’s commitment to the character.

Number three, Sebastian the Ibis. A white bird with an orange beak in a sailor hat and a UM jersey. If you want to make it extra Miami, carry a cigar. Sebastian has always looked like he’s about to tell you a story about his boat. Walk in, nod at people, say nothing, and leave early like you have a game tomorrow.

02Abuela, Pitbull and the Lamborghini Flamingo

If you want to scare a room full of Miami people, go as abuela. Housecoat. Rollers. Reading glasses on a little chain around your neck. Slippers. And, most important of all, a chancleta in your hand. Don’t even throw it. Just hold it. Walk around the party asking everybody, “¿Y la novia?” and “¿Ya comiste?” Grown men will apologize to you for things they did in fourth grade. If you really want to win the costume contest, carry a plastic container of leftover arroz con pollo and try to send people home with it.

Then there’s Mr. Worldwide. Bald cap, sunglasses, white linen suit, and the only line you’re allowed to say all night is “Dale.” Every time somebody talks to you, just point at them and say it. “Hey, nice costume.” “Dale.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “Dale.” Somebody’s going to hire you for their quinceañera by the end of the night.

And if you read my post about Miami tattoos, you know a regular flamingo is not enough. Go as the Miami flamingo. Pink everything, sunglasses, a gold chain, a hat, a cocktail in one wing and a set of Lamborghini keys in the other. Rented, obviously. If someone asks if the Lambo is yours, just say, “For the weekend.” That’s the most Miami answer you can give.

03Costumes Based on Miami Jobs

The valet guy. Red vest, black pants, a big ring full of everybody’s keys and a little podium. Stand at the front door of the Halloween party and take people’s keys when they walk in. Then, at the end of the night, walk back really slowly with a sad face and ask, “Sir, which car was yours again?” That’s horror. Some people will never recover.

The Publix deli lady. Hairnet, apron, a Publix name tag and a sign that says “Closed for subs at 8.” Every time somebody asks you for something, look at the clock. That’s the costume. That’s the whole joke. People will scream.

The ventanita lady. Carry a little tray with tiny cafecito cups, a colada and a pastelito. Stand by the kitchen window at the party and serve people through it. You’ll be the most popular person in the house by 10 PM. Nobody’s going to remember what you were dressed as, but they’re going to remember that you fed them.

The Brickell finance bro. Patagonia vest, AirPods in both ears, a coffee from a place with one word in its name and an Apple Watch that you keep checking. Every five minutes, step outside to “take a call.” Talk about crypto even if nobody asks. Ask everybody what they “do.” This costume is scary because there are real people walking around dressed exactly like this right now, and they’re not in costume.

04Miami Halloween Costumes for Couples and Groups

For couples, go as an iguana and a cold front. One person in a green iguana suit lying stiff on the ground. The other person wearing a puffer jacket, gloves, a beanie and a sign that says “61 degrees.” Every few minutes, the iguana falls off a chair. That’s real Miami science.

For a group, go as a family at the Dolphin Mall on a Saturday. One guy in a Heat jersey holding a Cinnabon, one lady pushing an empty stroller, one teenager walking ten feet behind the group on his phone, and abuela stopping at every single store to touch the clothes and say, “Está muy caro.” Walk into the party all together, slowly, and stop in the middle of the hallway so nobody can get by. That’s the Miami mall experience.

And if you’re lazy, here’s the cheapest one. Put on a Florida Man t-shirt, grab a pool noodle, put an alligator floatie under your arm and tell everybody you’re “the news.” No explanation needed. Everybody in this state already knows the story.

05Why Miami Halloween Costumes Hit Different

I’ve said it before, Miami is the least scary place in America. You can’t scare us with a guy in a mask, because we’ve seen worse at the Hialeah Walmart. Reggaeton is always playing somewhere, so even the monsters end up dancing. That’s exactly why the best costumes down here are the ones that make people laugh and go, “Oh my God, that’s my tía.”

And here’s the other reason. It’s still hot. It’s October and it’s 87 degrees with 80 percent humidity. Nobody wants to wear a full-body werewolf suit in that. A housecoat and rollers? Breathable. A Patagonia vest? Breathable. A pata sucia with no shoes? Very breathable. Miami Halloween costumes are built for the climate.

So this year, be original. Go as somebody you see every day. Go as the afilador, go as abuela, go as the valet guy who lost your keys. And if you win the costume contest with one of these, tag Miami Comedy. I want to see it. Happy Halloween, 305.