Miami Spice is the best thing that happens to your wallet in this city. Every year, right when the summer heat gets so bad that half of Miami runs to New York or North Carolina to enjoy a cool 70 degrees, the fancy restaurants that stay open roll out special three course menus at a set price. That’s Miami Spice. It’s the city’s way of saying, “Thank you for staying. We know it’s 98 degrees and wet. Here’s a steak you normally can’t afford.” And for those of us who don’t leave, it’s the most important food season of the year.

What Is Miami Spice, and Why Does It Happen in the Summer?

You have to understand the summer here. It’s not dry heat. It’s wet heat. You put your hand up in the air, wave it around a little, bring it back down and your palm is damp. You didn’t touch anything. The air just did that to you. You walk under the shade and it’s still hot, because the heat is inside the shade now too. It follows you into the car. It follows you into the Publix.

So the tourists stop coming, the snowbirds are gone, and a lot of locals take off. The restaurants are sitting there half empty, and somebody smart came up with an idea. Let’s give the people who stayed a deal. Appetizer, main dish and dessert for one price. Sometimes two appetizers if the place is feeling generous. Some places even send out a scoop of sherbet before the meal like they’re clearing your palate at a royal wedding. Shout out to every restaurant that brings out a little snack before the food comes, by the way. And I don’t mean bread. I mean a little something on a spoon that makes you feel important.

This is the time of year where I try as many restaurants as possible. Or as many as my wallet allows. I’ve hit spots like Toro Toro over at the InterContinental, and it was really nice. I’m just exploring, trying to keep some novelty in my life. Feeling adventurous.

How to Do Miami Spice Without Getting Played

Here’s the trick nobody tells you. Some restaurants will hand you the Miami Spice menu up front. “Hey, we’ve got a Miami Spice special.” Beautiful. Those are good people.

But some places don’t tell you. They hand you the regular menu, the one with the $64 branzino, and they wait to see if you’re going to ask. Because you’re already sitting down. You already ordered a drink. They’re hoping you’ll just pay full price. So you have to say it. “Can I see your Miami Spice menu?” And you’ll see the face. That little sigh. “Fine. You want a deal.” And then they bring it out and it’s three courses for the price of one entrée and you’re like, “Oh look at this. This is amazing.”

Follow the restaurants on Instagram. That’s where they post it. And if you’re the kind of person who looks a place up on Google Maps, sees five dollar signs and goes, “Oh boy, I don’t know about this one,” Miami Spice is your moment. Go to the place you’ve been scared of. Order the bottle of wine. Sit up straight. Act like you’ve been there before.

And if you call yourself a foodie in Miami and you don’t go to as many Miami Spice restaurants as possible, are you really a foodie? This is your time to shine. Also, this is the best season for dating. If you meet somebody really fine who loves to be wined and dined, any other time of the year that’s going to cost you. But if you meet her in the summer, and she hasn’t left town yet, take her out right now. Book the fanciest place you can find. Let Miami Spice make you look like a player.

Now, what does it say about you if you go to Miami Spice alone? Are you thrifty or are you depressed? I think it’s both. And I respect it.

Leave the Vegans Out of Miami Spice

I’m going to say something controversial. A good Miami Spice menu understands the market. Protein is important. Give us a seafood option, a chicken option and a beef option, and that’s it. Leave out the vegans.

Hear me out. Vegans don’t need a discount. They already pay five times the price for everything. They can afford that lifestyle. Go ahead and get your $28 kale wrap, I’m not judging. But Miami Spice is my one chance to get a rack of lamb for the price of that kale wrap. This is for us regular people who want to fine dine at a discount. We eat canned tuna all year. Give us real tuna, seared, with some kind of sauce on it. I don’t care what it’s called. Just make it tasty.

I already know all the yoga people are typing in the comments right now. That’s fine. Namaste.

What Miami Spice Should Look Like

I’ve got a recommendation for the people running Miami Spice. Why is it only the expensive restaurants? Why doesn’t the local fritanga have a Miami Spice menu?

And then I thought about it, and I figured it out. The small spots don’t need it. They know we’re eating that food no matter what. Cuban sandwiches don’t belong in Miami Spice because you’re paying for that sandwich regardless. Can you imagine the line at your favorite little spot in the shopping plaza if they offered a Miami Spice deal? It would wrap around the strip mall. Same with the Chinese buffet. What are they going to do, make it $1.99? It’s unnecessary.

Somebody in the chat said they should do Miami Spice at the grocery store, and I’m with him. Miami Spice special: eggs at 1998 prices. A dozen for a dollar twenty. Remember that? The good times. A Miami Spice discount on the whole produce aisle so some of us can try a vegetable for the first time.

And while we’re on the topic, here’s how you pick a good restaurant, Miami Spice or not. The best restaurants have a face behind them. Look at Flanigan’s. The man’s face is on everything, because he knows seafood, he knows bar life, he knows you’re bringing the kids for lunch and blacking out at the same table at night. And if you go to an Italian restaurant, there need to be family photos on the walls. Somebody’s grandma needs to be up there. If there’s no old lady on the wall of that Italian place, the food is not going to be good. That’s years of a Nona finding the secret and then forcing that food on her grandkids. That’s a verified check mark.

So that’s my Miami Spice guide. Stay in town for the summer, ask for the special menu even when they pretend it doesn’t exist, take the date to the five dollar sign place, and leave the vegans at the Food Hall. And when it’s over, go back to your fritanga, because they never needed a discount to get your money.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.