Recently, a 15 foot half-ton alligator strutted across a Florida Golf course. This particular gator gained huge notoriety because no one knew it could scale to this magnitude. This gator looked like it crawled out of a pond of whey protein.
When you think of the modern relationship of humans and gators there is one major correlation that comes to mind: golfers and rednecks.
The Golfer Demographic
I like to view golf as a networking sport, where white men talk and stay physically relevant by being in the sun and work up a sweat. The name of the game is to tee up and work on your swing and posture, never realizing the vulnerability of a gator pouncing on you while you keep your eye on the ball, and all your buddies roll out on their golf carts to find a good spot to record it on their phones.
I assume most casual golfers are old and retired, and really like Trump. A lot.
The reason I assume this, is because I never played golf on a real course. The closest I’ve come to this sport is mini golf. Playing mini golf is always a good idea after tossing back a few beers, and then it ends up with me cheating and walking out by the time I get to the fucking windmill.
However, I have been to many golf country clubs; and its always the same group of people in there talking about Yachts, Mutual Funds, and after a few drinks segue into racism and harassing the always younger female bartender.
Redneck Demographic
On the other hand, rednecks love gators. There always wrasslin’ with them, and making reality TV shows on their love-hate relationship.
They really like to Stand their ground, and Gators do too. It’s a toe to toe battle whenever they cross paths. And the aftermath is never a pretty site, Blood and Bud light cans everywhere.
Need I say more?
The Florida Alligator Represents Moral Achievement
I suspect these two demographics amount to the majority of the reason why Florida is a Red state. Which are more than likely to be eaten by gators.
Now if more of these gators start lifting and do a couple of crunches in between belly rolls, as the one spotted at that golf course, then we can slowly – and naturally – start eradicating these demographics and Florida will be a more balanced State.
Because of the brave battle between gators and golfers and rednecks, Florida will come closer to moral achievements like planned parenthood, less Sunpass tolls, practical public transportation and Medical Marijuana.
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