I was on a livestream trying to come up with relevant content for you guys because I care about you. So I go online and search up Miami news. Lo and behold, you know what is in the news again? Somebody got robbed by a charming woman in the city. I knew this topic was coming. I was just waiting for the next headline to make waves. And surely enough, there it is.
So we are calling this one How To Not Get Robbed In Miami. Because nobody really talks about the special kind of robbery that happens in our city. And it is a problem.
Miami robbery hits different
You go to any other city, the robberies involve a weapon or a strong arm. Give me everything you got. Phone, wallet, watch, get butt naked, whatever they say. That is a robbery. Or you rob a place. A bank. A gas station. Standard.
In Miami, the majority of the robberies happening right now do not involve a weapon. No threats. No strong arm. The robberies in this city involve flirting. Period. And nobody is talking about it because guys do not bring this up at the cookout.
I actually went online to see if there is a legal term for getting seduced out of your stuff. There is not. You cannot walk into court and say, Your honor, look at that. I had to fall asleep around it. Look how comfy it is. She held me. I thought she liked me. The judge is going to laugh you out the room.
You consented to it, bro
That is the main reason this kind of robbery keeps happening in Miami. We are consenting to it. And Latino guys especially, man, we cannot say no to a big booty Latina. You know what I am saying. So let this post be the public service announcement that we got to stop consenting to the foolishness.
Women take precautions so they get home safely. Fellas, we got to take precautions so we do not take them home at all. That is the difference.
You do not need a nice place to live in Miami
Here is some good news if you are a bachelor in this city. You do not need the penthouse. You do not need the nice address. You do not need the place in Brickell with the view. Because you should not be taking these women home anyway. Who are you trying to impress? The lady that is trying to rob you?
Living in an efficiency. Living in the parking lot. Living in your RV. That is not a downgrade. That is a precaution. You are being concerned for your safety. Save the rent money and put it toward something that does not want to scavenge your apartment at 4 AM.
Miami flips the tourist rules
In any other city, especially other countries, you cannot put on jewelry or dress like you got money. You become a target as a tourist. They will get you.
In Miami, it is the opposite. Put on the jewelry. Pull out the cash. Count it on the sidewalk. You will have a date by the end of the night. The girl rolls up. She does not care about you. She probably does not even like you. She is just calculating. Will this guy feel comfortable enough to fall asleep around me. Can I get him emotionally invested. That is the math.
You think the girls on that yacht with you want to make sure you get a good night sleep? No. They are waiting. Like the little cloaked figures in Star Wars scavenging in the sand. I see Miami the same way. The yacht parks, they start running around. I will take this. I will take that. Do not forget the bottles for after. They want your stuff. And if you fall asleep, you are getting looted.
The waiting game
Robbery in Miami is not give me everything you got right now. It is a waiting game. Nobody is rushing you. Nobody is jumping you. They say things like, can I get you another one? They wait until you are emotionally invested. Until you are really comfy and you think they like you back. That is when it happens.
And because there is no legal term for it, it gets sticky. They get away with it. You let them in your house because you were trying to bang. Then they turn on you. They do not need to break in. You opened the door.
Strip clubs are reverse pickpocketing
There is no pickpocketing in Miami either. That is a legal term. Going in your pocket and taking the wallet. In Miami, we flaunt it. We pull it out for them. Yeah. That is how I got it. You see it just roll out the wallet and then they are figuring out how to take it.
That is why strip clubs are so popular here. It is reverse pickpocketing. Let me just perform. Thirty seconds on this song and people are pickpocketing themselves toward me. We have all been there. You get drunk. You tip a little too much. Apple makes it too easy. A couple buttons. They got it. Somebody pulls out a POS machine in the strip club like it is the Publix register.
How to not be the next headline
So fellas. Do not get robbed in Miami. Do not be vulnerable. Keep your guard up. Do not give it away. When you are flashing money you are literally consenting to be like, I want to get robbed by a beautiful woman tonight.
Do not bring them home. Do not trust them. Do not get emotionally invested. You do not have to take her to the high end place. You do not need the yacht. You do not need the VIP section. Hang in there. They will come around. That is how you filter the people that are not trying to rob you. You live a normal life. Normal life in Miami means less likely to get robbed.
The Publix test
You know what I do? I take her to a fast food place. Hey, I am really tight on time, I can only stay for an hour, you want to grab a Publix chicken tender sub? If she says no to that, she is not the one. That is one of the best meals on planet earth. Single, taken, on a first date, whatever. If somebody offers you a Pub Sub, it is love at first sight. If she turns it down, she was on a different mission.
The other robberies nobody talks about
These charming robberies happen in a shadow realm because there is no legal language for it. You date somebody for a couple months. You think she is one way. Then you see another side. That is a different robbery. She robbed you of your time. What you going to do, file a police report?
You did not just lose money. You lost the time. You lost the dignity. Miami robbery hits in all three. And these people get away with it because what are you going to say. The cops cannot help you. Your boys are going to roast you. Some of us do not even say anything because we know the clowning that is coming.
I made up a word for it while writing this. Seductive robbery. You just wanted to hit it. So you got got.
Live a life that filters these people out
The point is this. Live a life that prevents these kinds of people from showing up. Do not get drunk around bad ones. They know. They always know. And to be honest, even as a guy I will say it, you are not really a victim, bro. You let it happen.
I am not going to lie to you. I caught it once in my 20s in South Beach. Liked the girl. We had been on a few dates. Actually it was one date but whatever. Brought her back to the apartment. Took my laptop. Thankfully nothing else of value was there. At least she got a great music collection out of it. Eight thousand songs back when you had to download every single one. I hope I broadened her musical taste. Who am I kidding, she pawned the laptop. But the point stands.
The cheat code is ED
Real talk. If you got your urges under control, or honestly, if you got erectile dysfunction, do you know how safe you are out here? You do not want to bring nobody home. No, I do not want to take you home. I want to play my PlayStation. No, I do not want another drink. I am tired. Text me tomorrow. And if she does text you tomorrow, she was not going to rob you. There you go. Built in security system.
So be careful out there, Miami. Live a life that filters out the scavengers. Save your laptop. Save your dignity. Save your time. And if you ever doubt somebody, hit them with the Pub Sub test.
Talked about this on the podcast. Watch the full episode here.
For live comedy in Miami, head to miamicomedy.com. Mondays and Fridays at Thank You Miami. Tuesdays and Sundays at Blackbird Ordinary. Stop scrolling. Come laugh.
