We gathered a collection of original work for the funny side of things in the Magic City. We present to you 100 Miami Memes and Jokes.
100 Miami Memes and Jokes
Party, Drinking, Hungover
- Theres a fine line between loser and party animal when someones drunk on the floor and Its determined whether or not they have a sombrero on.
- If Cinderella were a guy story it would end with someone leaving a German bar with a bloody foot for trying on a glass beer boot
- One cure for the common cold is to replace it fully with a hangover.
- Sprawled sick in bed I came to the medical discovery that accidentally spilling hot soup on your chest has the same effect as a defibrillator.
Traveling, Tourist
- Friends and Family can be really unappreciative when you come back from a trip and hand them hotel towels as souvenirs.
- Pitching an idea to do a food travel show with a twist, where the itis causes me to nap in peoples couches from all over the world.
Religion
- I believe in biblical numerology. And by that I mean placing lottery tickets next to candles of Jesus…
Procrastination, Productivity
- A great burst of energy to start your day comes with the excitement of going back to bed.
- The makers of alarm clocks with large snooze buttons don’t care about your plans and ambitions.
- Broke my record and slept 14 hours. My goal is to one day wake up in a room full of get well soon cards and flowers.
- Never take a nap in a bathtub. It freaks people out when they come over.
Weather
- One of my biggest fears is a tornado touching down while I’m inside an IKEA store; and resort to take cover under their furniture.
- This is the kind of weather where not sure if the beach had sunbathers or heat stroke victims.
- These global warming advocates; ranting about how hot it’s getting, and expects us to start riding bike
Holidays, Santa, Christmas
- I advise Santa not to reach into his bag too quickly while in Florida.
- I’d take Friday the 13th more seriously if it was considered bang a summer camp counselor by a lake day.
Jobs, Careers
- McDonalds offering its employees 15/hr not only provides a livable wage; but also helps the Hamburglar afford healthier food options.
- Give the Dalai Lama a job in customer service and in less than two weeks he won’t be the Dalai Lama no more.
Schooling
- Graduation day feels like I’m role playing a wizard about to receive a scroll on how to cast a spell of unemployment on myself.
- Study in high school gives the older self knowledge. Hook up with a girl who rejected you in high school gives the younger self a high five.
- Taking a course in law teaches: If you want to master the English language become a Writer; if you want to manipulate it, become an Attorney.
LGBT Pride
- Waiting for NASA to say there’s life outside of Earth is like waiting for that one friend to come out of the closet when you already know.
- If you wont reach for the bouquet during a gay wedding, does it make you homophobic?
Money, Fashion, Taxes
- A mans fashion sense can be misleading. A Rolex may say he’s got money in the bank; but a fanny pack says he’s got money.. in his fanny pack.
- Swag is the material version of natural selection. Except in the animal kingdom, But I’m sure a Zebra runs faster with some Jordan’s on.
- During the tax season Uncle Sam is either a magician handing you money or a pimp backhanding you for some.
- I see ads for tax returns of upto $5,000 dollars per child, and it comes off more like an ad saying having a baby is a good investment.
- I’d like to live near a police station. So I can walk in every morning and ask if anyone found any money.
- There’s times I wish the monocle was still around so when she catches you checking out dat ass it looks sophisticated.
- The best part about paying off a credit card is suddenly realizing you want rims.
- I once strived to climb a social hierarchy, but there weren’t enough binoculars to glimpse the real world below.
- Needs vs wants is all a matter of perspective. If you point out the fading paint on my car, I’m going for the vintage executive look.
- Whenever I meet someone with a cap, cargo shorts, boat shoes, and a shirt that says the captain, I always assume they’re from margaritaville
Technology
- The new iPhone is a step forward in technology. The lines waiting 24+ hours to be the first to buy, is a step back for mankind
Traffic
- Miami traffic is so bad, if you deliver a baby on the way to the hospital it will be a toddler by the time you arrive.
- If Back to the Future was set in Miami, all 3 parts would have I-95 under construction.
- I can’t take your road rage seriously if you’re on a scooter.
- One quick way to an early retirement is punching in before driving into rush hour traffic.
Pets
- A dog must feel some shame when you take it to a pet friendly bar and on the walk home you both are pissing on the same tree.
- Never enjoyed petting zoo’s. At an early age I knew the exchange of food to feel up an animal was an odd transaction.
Crime
- Getting shot in a snuggie automatically puts you in a body bag.
Drugs- I’d like to see a plot twist on an exorcism movie where the priest finds out the bitch was on bath salts the whole time.
- Having a medical marijuana permit certifies you’ve successfully lied to a health official. Hang it next to your high school diploma.
- I began smoking e cigarettes so I can say “it’s my last one” to whomever asks; without having to lie.
Selfies
- A selfie stick not only allows better photos of yourself but also beating whoever questions your self esteem
Dating
- Something creepy about dating websites with a spokesperson. That old man from e-harmony always gave me the impression he wanted to watch.
- I don’t mind when some guy hits on my date and offers his number. That way we can spam him photos of us recreating Uncle Luke album covers.
- My favorite topic of conversation during the first date is explaining the terms and conditions of a Groupon.
- I’ve flirted with a lesbian longer than I should have in an attempt to set a world record.
- I like dating cougars, the only game they play is bingo.
- Feelin’ that redhead Wendy’s girl. I’m sure she’s easygoing about where to go on the first date.
- Pretty gal into horoscopes says she has me figured out. Told her I did too because she’s into horoscopes.
South Beach
- Getting laid in south beach is not as easy as it seems; by the time your partner finds parking, they don’t want to have sex anymore.
Movies
- Too many horror films with ghost children; little do they know all it takes to terrify men is an unkown child calling us dad.
Sex
- I’ve experimented with masochism, and by that I mean masturbating in the shower with soap in my eyes.
- Apple Watch will not have a camera because they know every guy will log a sex tape by inconspicuously checking the time during the act.
- A woman shouldn’t succumb to violence. These situations are never erotic enough.
Death
- When someone tells me they’ll be at my show in spirit, I call in a suicide threat.
Social Media
- Being angry on Facebook is like telling everyone you drank poison and expecting the other persons to “like”.
Fitness
- There are many ways to measure your fitness goals. Mine is having a self portrait in tighty whiteys to be taken seriously.
- Bought an Iron Gym just so to see what its like to do pull ups butt naked.
- They call them abs because you’ve gotta live a pretty abnormal lifestyle to maintain that shit.
Homes
- The password to bypass any gated community security guard is: “I live here”.
Tattoos
- When you come across someone with a visible quote tattoo, get close and read it aloud. If it gets weird, they don’t mean it.
- I’ve got nothing against women with tattoos. It’s just a little weird during sex when the Frankenstein on your back is staring at me in the face.
Comedy
- Whoever said laughter is the best medicine remained anonymous to avoid a malpractice suit
- The people that don’t laugh at a serious situation aren’t taking the situation serious enough.
Clubbing
- The only Ice Bucket Challenge I participate in is how many bottles I can order at the club before disappearing off into the crowd.
Emotion, Psychology
- Whenever I’m angry I listen to death metal to remind myself I’m not THAT angry.
- I didn’t pursue psychology because my approach as a therapist would be asking my clients “does this sound like a first world problem to you?”
Hipsters, Wynwood
- Saying ‘hipster’ while performing in Wynwood is like dropping the n bomb.
Games, Boardgames- Monopoly should have a plastic handgun in the box to pistol whip and rob the banker when the game is taking too long.
- Got in a fight last night. Not too proud of it since I had to mute the Xbox headset to avoid it.
Spanglish - #RandomFact wikipedia is Spanglish for whiskey piss day.
Politics - Soon it will come to a final resort for all politicians to post dick pics in order to prove they have the balls to get the job done.
- To say honesty is the best policy is ironic; since most policies are made by the dishonest.
Miami Heat
- When the Miami Heat makes the Finals, I only bang the finest collection of pots and pans. Heated right off the stove for added effect.
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