Halloween Parties in Miami: Even the Ghosts Go Out

Halloween parties in Miami are not scary. Let me just get that out of the way. Every other city in America turns off the lights, puts a fog machine on the porch and tries to make you scream. Miami turns the lights purple, puts reggaeton on and tries to make you stay out until 5 in the morning. Even if you were a ghost in this city, you wouldn’t haunt anybody. You’d end up at the party. So here’s my guide to the Halloween parties in Miami, from somebody who has been to all of them in a costume that was a bad idea for the weather.

01Even the Ghosts Come Here to Party

Think about what ghosts are known for. They’re spirits amongst us, specifically made to scare us. But how can you haunt somebody in Miami when there’s reggaeton playing in the background? We won’t even notice the chandelier shaking. We won’t notice the cold breath on the back of our necks, because it’s too hot outside. We’d be like, “Oh, finally, a breeze. Thank you.”

And think about that ghost for a moment. Imagine you pass away, you’re at the Pearly Gates, you’re about to see the secrets of life, you’re about to meet God himself, and you go, “You know what? No. I’m not ready for all this. I want to go back and ruin somebody’s home.” You got to be a special kind of hater to be that kind of ghost. But if you’re the kind of ghost who skips the afterlife specifically to go back to Miami for one more night out? That’s not a hater. That’s a promoter. That ghost has a section reserved.

That’s the whole energy of Halloween in Miami. Nobody’s trying to get scared. Everybody’s trying to get seen.

02The Types of Halloween Parties in Miami

Every Halloween party in Miami falls into one of a few categories, and you should know which one you’re walking into before you pick a costume.

First you got the Kendall house party. This is somebody’s cousin’s house, there’s a cooler in the garage, a bounce house left over from the kids’ party earlier, and a tío dressed as nothing. He’s in a guayabera. “I’m a guy at a party.” The music is a speaker on the kitchen counter that somebody’s phone keeps disconnecting from, and every time it disconnects you hear a text message notification at full volume. These are the best parties in Miami, by the way. Nobody’s paying for parking and there’s always a tray of croquetas.

Then there’s the club Halloween party. Brickell, South Beach, wherever. Cover charge, bottle service, and a costume contest where the prize is a bottle you’d have to pay for anyway. Half the people there didn’t dress up. They put on cat ears in the Uber and called it a costume. The other half went way too hard, and you can tell because they’re the ones sweating through the face paint by 11 PM.

Then there’s the bar crawl. Wynwood, usually. Everybody’s walking from bar to bar in a group dressed as the same thing, like eight Super Marios, and nobody knows who’s in charge. Parking in Wynwood is already bad, but on Halloween you end up parking so far from the bars that the walk back to your car is the real haunted attraction. I’ve walked six blocks at 2 in the morning dressed as a hot dog. Nothing in any horror movie scared me more.

And finally there’s the “we’re not doing anything this year” party. That’s the one where your friends swear they’re staying in, and then at 10:30 PM you get a picture of them at a rooftop dressed as the Mario Brothers. You’re home in sweatpants. You got played by your own people.

03How to Survive a Halloween Party in Miami

Rule number one: dress for the heat. Halloween in Miami is not sweater weather. It’s 85 degrees with humidity that makes your fake blood run. If your costume has a mask, a cape, fur, or anything that zips all the way up, you’re going to be miserable by the second drink. Every year somebody shows up as a full mascot, and by midnight they’re sitting on the curb with the head off, drinking water, looking like they just got out of a marathon. Pick something breathable. Pick something you can sit down in. If your costume needs a buddy to help you go to the bathroom, it’s not a costume, it’s a commitment.

Rule number two: plan your ride like it’s New Year’s Eve. Uber surges, valet lines go around the block, and every driver is going to look at you sideways when you get in dressed as a giant inflatable dinosaur. “Bro, you’re going to pop on my seat.” Tip that man.

Rule number three: eat before you go. And if you’re running low, do what the Miami zombie does. If you turned into a zombie in our city and you’re all lethargic and sleepy, you’d go to the nearest little bakery around the corner, take a shot of cafecito and beat all the other zombies. That’s the move at a Halloween party too. Around 1 AM, when you start feeling like the walking dead, find a ventanita, get a colada, share it with your group and come back to life. Be the strongest zombie of them all.

Rule number four: don’t take the costume contest seriously. Somebody’s always going to win who shouldn’t. Usually it’s whoever is friends with the DJ. You can spend three weeks building a costume from scratch and lose to a girl in a store-bought bunny outfit because she’s the bartender’s cousin. That’s Miami. It’s not about effort. It’s about who you know.

04Halloween Party Costumes That Work in Miami

I’m not going to give you a whole list of costumes, but I’ll tell you what works at a Miami Halloween party specifically. Anything that doesn’t fall apart when you dance. Anything you can explain in under five seconds over loud music. If somebody asks “What are you?” and you have to give them a backstory, you lost them. They already walked away to get another drink.

Also, couples costumes are dangerous here. Half the couples at any Halloween party in Miami are going to break up before Thanksgiving anyway, and now there’s a picture of you two as peanut butter and jelly living forever on Instagram. Go as something that works by itself. Protect your future.

And the best costume in Miami is always the one that’s a little too real. A guy dressed as an expressway toll camera. A guy dressed as a hurricane shutter. A guy dressed as the HOA president with a clipboard writing people up. You walk into the party and everybody gets nervous for a second. That’s the only scare Miami really responds to.

05The Real Reason Miami Loves Halloween

Halloween parties in Miami are honestly just regular Miami nights with a theme. We already dress up to go out. We already stay out too late. We already overspend on drinks and take too many pictures. Halloween just gives everybody permission to be more of what they already are. The girl who always shows up extra? Now she’s extra with wings. The guy who’s always too loud? Now he’s too loud in a Spider-Man suit.

Other cities use Halloween to get scared. Miami uses it as an excuse. And I respect that. If the ghosts are coming back from the afterlife to party here, the least we can do is give them a good night out.