Introduction
Thanksgiving just passed and the yearly reflection begins, that moment where the food coma tricks you into thinking you’re about to become a better person.
Miami Thanksgiving Traditions
Turkey is optional, pork is mandatory. Miami households run on congri, lechon, and aunts competing in the kitchen like it’s Top Chef Calle Ocho.
Eating Like a Menace Across Multiple Houses
Your relatives bring food, your partner drags you to her family’s dinner, and every abuela in the city will personally end your bloodline if you say no to a plate.
Latino Holiday Logic
The chat jokes about ICE raids. You riff on how Latinos should get a three month holiday immunity pass because nobody celebrates harder.
Card Games as Family Therapy
Forget healing, forget bonding. An aggressive round of cards with your family is the quickest way to air old beefs without catching a case.
The New Year Lie Begins
Thanksgiving makes you say you’ll get fit next year.
Christmas makes you say you’ll save money next year.
You start the resolution season already in debt and bloated.
Christmas and Amazon, the Double Team
You buy thoughtful gifts for your family… and a full tech store for yourself. Moms love a poem, girlfriends want financial devastation.
Art Basel, the Official Miami Holiday
Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and then Basel.
You buy VIP wristbands for events you’re not invited to and can’t complain because complaining isn’t VIP.
New Year’s Eve Fireworks and Table Tax
You pay $1,500 for a table just to see fireworks that look the same every year, and strangers end up sitting with you for free.
Valentine’s Day Financial Suicide
Miami women walk in with lingerie. Men walk in with debt. That’s the equation. You accepted your fate.
Spring and Summer Holiday Madness
Easter brunch, Mother’s Day brunch, Father’s Day tech-support sessions, Spring Break benders, Fourth of July yacht deaths, Labor Day staycations that cost you a full vacation.
Birthday Truth Bomb
Clubs don’t care it’s your birthday. The 50 Cent lyric “we don’t give a f**k that it’s your birthday” was written with Miami in mind.
Halloween Drunk-Clown Tradition
Spirit Halloween price-gouges you, then Only in Dade catches you passed out in a clown suit at 4 AM outside Club Space.
Annual Full-Circle Collapse
Thanksgiving comes back around, you’re bloated again, and the cycle resets. You consider opting out of holidays permanently.
Sobriety and Celibacy, the Miami Millionaire Hack
You declare a new strategy: no drinking and no sex, the fastest way to save money in this city. Lock yourself in the garage until 2026.
Relatives Visiting Miami
They ask what to do. You tell them the real Miami experience involves traffic, overpriced drinks, and maybe getting your Rolex stolen.
Comedy Shows + Coaching Plug
Blackbird Ordinary is on fire. Thank You Miami is the home base. You’re relaunching comedy coaching because your 40s are a serious decade and you’re the best doing it.
Conclusion
Holiday chaos, Miami chaos, family chaos. You embrace it, laugh at it, and push through it like you always do.