Finding money on the ground in Miami is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a human being. If somebody asked you for the best moments of your life, you’d say the day my kid was born, the day I got married, and the day I found anything over twenty dollars on the floor. I’m serious. It’s like an angel came down from heaven, looked at every single person walking by, and picked you. A message from God in the form of bills. I found about 28 bucks on the floor one day and I felt like the city owed me nothing for the rest of the week.

Why Finding Money on the Ground in Miami Hits Different

People in other cities will tell you nobody uses cash anymore. Everything is Apple Pay, Zelle, tap the card, done. Not in Miami, my friend. Miami still runs on cash. The ventanita guy, the valet, the guy selling mangos on the corner, the lady at the hair salon who gives you a look when you ask if she takes cards. Cash is alive here. And let’s be honest, there’s a lot of vice in this city, and the more vice a city has, the more cash is floating around. I’m not saying where it came from. I’m saying it’s on the floor now and it’s mine.

So statistically, if you live in Miami, your chances of finding a twenty under a clothing rack are way higher than somebody in Boise. That’s not a fact I can prove, but I’d bet the twenty I found on it.

When I was eight or nine I found two twenty dollar bills underneath the clothes rack at Marshalls. Forty dollars. As a kid, forty dollars is generational wealth. To this day I remember exactly where it was. It felt like a drug deal went wrong in the Marshalls and I was an innocent bystander who walked away with the evidence. I didn’t ask questions. I bought candy and I told nobody.

The Six Foot Rule

Here’s what nobody teaches you. Finding money is only easy when it’s close. If it’s within about a six foot radius, you just bend down and pick it up, and to everyone watching it looks like it fell out of your own pocket. Smooth. Natural. Nobody suspects a thing. You’re a man who dropped his own money and recovered it like a professional.

The problem is when it’s far away. When you see a bill across the parking lot at Dolphin Mall, your brain starts doing math. How much time do I have? Who else saw it? Is that guy by the Cinnabon walking toward it too? Do I speed walk or do I commit and run? Because if you run, now everybody knows. Now you’re not a guy who dropped his money, you’re a guy chasing money, and in Miami that gets you in the background of somebody’s Instagram story.

And then there’s the prank fear. You reach down and the bill slides away because some kid has it on a fishing line with a camera recording. If that ever happens to me, I’m clearing the room. I’m too old to go viral for being broke.

What to Do When Somebody Says That’s Mine

This is the worst case scenario. You pick it up and some guy goes, “Ay bro, that’s mine, I dropped that.” Now what? There’s no way to prove it. Money doesn’t have a name on it. I’d be standing there holding the bill like, “Really? Prove it. What’s the serial number? What color shirt was Andrew Jackson wearing?”

So you have to think fast, and the decision depends on the amount. If it’s three dollars, fine. Take it. That’s charity. Go buy yourself a cafecito and think about your life. But if it’s over twenty dollars, now we have a situation. Over twenty I’m keeping it. I’m saying finders keepers, I sprinted over here, I earned this. I’m not saying fight anybody, but I am saying I’m going to stand there with the confidence of a man who has already spent it in his head.

That’s the Miami version of the rule. Under twenty is generosity. Over twenty is a negotiation.

Crispy Bills Versus Soft Bills

Let’s talk about the kind of money you find, because not all money is the same. The worst is crispy, brand new bills stacked together. You ever get change and the cashier opens one of those packs straight from the bank and starts peeling them off like a brick? They stick together, you can’t count them, and you always end up spending them faster because you don’t want them in your pocket. I’d rather not have them at all. Okay, I’d still take them. But I’m complaining about it.

One of my listeners told me they once took a payment at work in cash that smelled like straight pee. And they had to take it, because money is money. My advice? Take the pee money. It’s soft, it folds nice, and on a hot August day in Miami you can fan yourself with it. That’s two uses for the price of one.

Another listener told me they crumple up their new bills on purpose so they don’t stick together. Now you walk around all day looking like you found your money under the Brickell Metromover. Which, honestly, maybe you did. No judgment.

Money Only Works If Somebody Else Is Watching

The more I thought about it, the more I realized money is kind of useless by itself. Take a crate of cash to Mars and see how far it gets you. It doesn’t. The only thing you can do is take a picture standing next to it in your spacesuit and send it back to Earth so people like it. That’s it. A tent would be worth more than a million dollars on Mars. At least a tent protects you from the dust storm.

And that’s the most Miami thing about money. It’s only valuable because other people can see it. That’s why the twenty on the floor feels so good. It’s not about the twenty. It’s about the feeling that the universe looked at all those people walking through the parking lot and said, “Him. Today he eats.” And you do. You eat a croqueta preparada and you tell everybody about it like you won the Powerball.

So next time you’re walking through Bayside, Sawgrass, or the parking lot at Publix, keep your eyes down for a second. Not the whole time, because you’ll walk into a pole. But every now and then. Miami still runs on cash, and somewhere out there is a twenty with your name on it. Just make sure it’s within six feet.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.