Miami is getting bombarded with new people. They’re coming in, raising our rents, raising our housing prices, and now they’re on all the dating apps taking our date options. And honestly, it’s not so bad. Sometimes you date somebody from Arkansas just to remind yourself why you date Latinas in the first place. But if you’re going to do it, you need a plan. So here are my first date ideas in Miami for when the person you matched with just moved here and has no idea what they’re walking into.

Don’t Become the Free Tour Guide

First thing you have to figure out is whether this is a date or a tour. Some of these new people are slick. They don’t just want to go out with you. They want you to show them around. That’s two jobs, bro. I have to entertain you as your date and then explain the neighborhoods, the history, which highway not to take, and where to get a real croqueta. At least split the bill. At least leave a tip.

But here’s the thing you need to understand. When somebody is brand new to Miami, the way you show them the city is the way they remember you. Whatever you do on that first date becomes your whole personality in their head. They’re going to call their friends back home and tell them “This guy took me to…” and whatever you say next, that’s you now. Forever. So choose wisely.

And don’t go too big too soon. People in my chat were saying take her to a fancy hotel, take her to an expensive restaurant. Okay, and then what? You can never go back down from that. If you’re popping bottles at Club Space on the first date, you can never buy a bottle at 7-Eleven ever again. If you get an Uber XL on the first date, she’s going to think something bad happened when the regular Uber pulls up on date two. You blew your whole budget for the relationship in one night.

The Best First Date in Miami Is Flanigan’s

My number one recommendation. Take them to Flanigan’s. They’ve never been, because it’s only in South Florida. You tell them “This is the most popular restaurant in Miami,” which is kind of true. And it’s the perfect balance. It’s a wholesome family restaurant, and at the same time somebody at the bar is blacking out at four in the afternoon. Just the right amount of wholesome and grimy. That’s Miami in one building.

And this is not sponsored. I want to be clear. Flanigan’s, if you’re reading this, call me. But the real reason it’s a great first date is the deals. Depending on the night, you order a pitcher of beer and they hook you up with something extra, like nachos or wings. And that’s where you learn everything you need to know about this person.

Watch how they react. Is she going to go back to her friends and say “Girl, he ordered a pitcher of beer just to get free nachos, never again”? Or is she going to say “Girl, this guy really knows his way around Miami. He ordered a pitcher and they brought out free wings like we were VIP”? If she gives you props for knowing the deal, that’s a keeper. That’s somebody who’s going to survive here.

Get Stuck in Miami Traffic Together

This one sounds crazy, but hear me out. One of the best first dates in Miami happens before you even get to the restaurant. It’s the traffic. People from out of town always say “Oh, I’m from New York, this is nothing” or “I’m from LA, this is nothing.” No. Miami traffic is different. Not only are you at a complete standstill, it’s also a nightclub. There’s always somebody next to you in a loud car blasting reggaeton with the windows down. You might as well have a picnic.

When you’re stuck in a car with somebody for a long time, the conversation and the music decide everything. So hand them the aux cord. See what they play. “Go ahead, play me a little something from Arkansas.” And whatever comes on, you smile, you nod, and then you introduce them to Bad Bunny and Pitbull. If you guys start vibing, beautiful. If they say they don’t like that kind of music, end it right there on the Palmetto. It’s not going to work out. If you’re moving to Miami, and especially if you want to be with me, you need a reggaeton playlist. What do you mean you don’t have one?

The Cafecito Date Comes With a Warning

Some people like it simple. “Let’s just grab a coffee.” That’s fine, but you need to be careful, because coffee outside of Miami is subpar. They’re just getting by out there. If you take somebody new to a ventanita for a colada or a perfect cortadito with the foam on top and the exact right amount of sugar, you’re going to ruin coffee for them for the rest of their life. Yes, diabetes is right around the corner. Yes, it’s worth the risk.

Once they taste it, they’re going to feel like they’ve been lied to their whole life. They’ll be on their phone the whole date, and not texting somebody else. They’re canceling their Starbucks membership. Forget the mermaid logo. The real logo for the greatest coffee in the world is a picture of an abuela stirring the espuma. I don’t need a poster of people harvesting coffee beans. Show me abuela with the little metal cup and I already know it’s going to be amazing. So a coffee date seems innocent, but you are opening up a whole new world, and they won’t see it coming.

The Nightclub Is the Riskiest First Date

And if all else fails, you can take them to a nightclub. But be careful. You’re about to expose them to exactly why Miami nightlife is so good, and the moment they see it, they’re going to see their options. And you’re going to see yours. I don’t understand how couples go to the club together in this city. Everybody around you is drunk and beautiful. What are you doing?

And if you’re going to get a bottle, don’t do it just to impress somebody you met three hours ago. I’ve done that. Beautiful girl, brand new to Miami, saw the club and said “Back home we don’t have anything like this.” Now she’s excited, and now I’m paying for her excitement. Get your money’s worth or don’t get the bottle at all.

So that’s my list of first date ideas in Miami for anybody dating someone new to the city. Start at Flanigan’s. Get a little stuck in traffic and let the aux cord do the screening. Ruin their coffee forever with a cafecito. Save the club for later, when you know they’re sticking around. And whatever you do, don’t let them turn your date into a free tour. Miami is a great city to show off. Just make sure you’re getting a second date out of it.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.