Every October somebody asks me about haunted places in Miami, and I always laugh, because I never believed a haunted house could even exist here. The housing prices are so bad, not even ghosts want to move in. But I’ve been thinking about it from the other side. Forget the scared people. What about the ghost? If you passed away and decided to come back and haunt this city, where would you go? Because a Miami ghost is not going to waste the afterlife in some broken down shack. A Miami ghost has standards.

Why Miami Is the Hardest City to Haunt

Let’s be honest. Miami is not a scary place. How are you going to spook somebody when there’s reggaeton playing in the background twenty four hours a day? You shake the chandelier, nobody notices, because the bass from the neighbor’s party is already shaking the chandelier. You breathe a cold breath on the back of somebody’s neck, and they go “Oh thank God, finally some AC.” It’s too hot outside for the classic ghost moves. We won’t even feel you.

And try haunting a penthouse. There’s a party going on, there’s people doing things they shouldn’t be doing, and you start flickering the lights. They’re not running. They’re going “Yo, this stuff is primo.” You lost the room, bro. Miami took your whole act and turned it into a vibe.

Honestly, if a house in Miami ever did get haunted, you don’t need a priest. Just put a candle on the coffee table and leave the mortgage bill right next to it. The ghost is going to look at that bill, get spooked, and go “This guy is having it rough. I’m out.” That’s the scariest thing in any Miami home. Not the ghost. The statement.

Also think about what it takes to become a ghost in the first place. You’re at the Pearly Gates. You’re about to see the secrets of the universe. You’re about to meet God. And you go “Nah, I’m good, let me go back and ruin somebody’s living room.” You’ve got to be a special kind of hater. But if you’re coming back to Miami specifically to join the party? That I respect. So here’s my list.

Haunted Places in Miami I Would Pick First

Number one, Vizcaya. No question. The Vizcaya Museum and Gardens is the move. Think about it. When you were alive in Miami you couldn’t afford a one bedroom in Little Havana. You pass away, you come back as a ghost, and now you live in a waterfront mansion with gardens, art, and a view of Biscayne Bay. The only thing you had to pay was your life. That’s the best real estate deal in the history of Miami.

And Vizcaya already has a reputation. People have been telling ghost stories about that place forever, and back in the day it was known for Great Gatsby style parties. So there’s probably already a whole crew of 1920s party people floating around in there. The afterlife would be one big after party. You could finally ask somebody what the original Coca-Cola recipe tasted like. You could find out where they hid the good stuff during Prohibition. That’s the ghost tour I want.

Most ghosts make a terrible investment. They haunt old, dilapidated houses that are about to get torn down. Then the demolition crew shows up and what are you going to do? Knock stuff over? They’re already knocking stuff over. That’s their job. You can’t scare a construction worker with destruction. Pick a landmark. Pick something with a gift shop. Pick Vizcaya.

The Porsche Design Tower Car Elevator Ghost

Number two, the Porsche Design Tower in Sunny Isles. I did a gig there, humble brag, and that building is unreal. You’ve got car elevators that bring your car right up to your apartment. You could be in the bathroom and look over and see a Lamborghini going up and down next to you like a Batcave. I heard rent there runs something crazy, like thirty grand a month. So obviously I can’t live there. But I can haunt there.

And I know exactly what I’d do. Somebody takes a picture of the new car they just added to their collection, and there I am, in the driver’s seat, posted up. “This is our car now.” Then at three in the morning the engines start revving by themselves. The front desk is getting complaints. “For some reason my Porsche keeps turning on and nobody’s in it.” Sir, that’s me. I’m going for a ride. I’ve been waiting my whole life and part of my death for this.

A Brickell Penthouse and a Nightclub VIP Table

Number three, a Brickell penthouse. Those places are nice, and you’d get a front row seat to all the content being made up there. You’d be standing right next to the ring light making sure the lighting is perfect. And when you get bored you go downstairs and jaywalk around Mary Brickell Village with everybody else. You don’t have to worry about cars honking at you. You’re a ghost. The cars can’t hurt you anymore. That’s the most peaceful anybody has ever been walking in Brickell.

Down there you’d start showing up in the background of everybody’s videos. Somebody’s filming a “What’s dating like in Miami?” street interview and there you are, making a cameo. People start asking “Who’s the ghost in all these videos?” Next thing you know you have a million followers. You’d also mess with the dogs. Animals can see ghosts, right? So you make a French bulldog stare off into the distance in the middle of Brickell and the owner gets nervous. Easiest haunt in the city.

And last but not least, the nightclub. That’s what Miami is known for. As a ghost you walk right past the bouncer. No line. No cover. He doesn’t care that you’re wearing chains and tattered clothes and no shoes. You get a table and you don’t pitch in on the bottle. You’re a VIP ghost. When they take the group photo, there’s your apparition with your arm around everybody. And if you don’t like the music, you hop behind the DJ booth and switch it to 90s dancehall. The DJ is going “Why is this thing acting haywire?” but the crowd loves it. Now you’re DJ Ghost. More followers. You came back from the dead and became a Miami influencer. Only in the 305.

So that’s my list of haunted places in Miami, the ghost edition. Vizcaya for the mansion life, the Porsche Design Tower for the cars, a Brickell penthouse for the content, and a nightclub for the VIP table you never could get when you were alive. If you were a ghost in Miami, where would you haunt? Let me know, because I’m already planning my afterlife. Happy Halloween, Miami.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.