Every Halloween somebody asks me what would happen if Miami had a zombie apocalypse. And I always give the same answer. We’d be fine. Honestly, we’d probably win. This city has been training for the end of the world for years and nobody noticed. Between hurricane season, the traffic on I-95, and the amount of cafecito we drink, a Miami zombie apocalypse would be the most organized disaster in American history. Let me explain.

Miami Zombies Would Be the Strongest Zombies

First of all, what does Miami even find scary? It’s not zombies. Think about it. In every movie the zombie is lethargic. Slow. Sleepy. Dragging his feet, moaning, trying to find something to eat. Now picture that same zombie in Miami. He’s tired, he’s hungry, and he wanders into the nearest little bakery around the corner. And what does he get? A shot of cafecito.

Game over. That zombie is no longer slow. That zombie is running. That zombie is doing laps around the other zombies. He’s got a pastelito in one hand and a colada in the other and he’s sharing it with the other zombies because that’s the culture. Within a week, Miami zombies would be the fastest, strongest, most caffeinated zombies on Earth. And the fattest. Let’s be honest. Between the croquetas and the guava pastries, our zombies would be thick. You’d see one waddling down Calle Ocho and think, damn, that one’s been eating good.

And here’s the other problem. Miami zombies would never just eat brains. They’d want rice and beans with it. Some plantains. A little side of yuca. You can’t just give a Cuban zombie a plain brain. Where’s the mojo?

Where to Hide During a Miami Zombie Apocalypse

Somebody in my chat once said the best place to survive is E11EVEN. And you know what, they’re right. That place is open twenty four hours. It has a bar, a kitchen, security, lights, and a bunch of people who are already used to staying up until sunrise. You could survive months in there. Nobody would even notice the world ended. “Bro, why is it so dead outside?” It’s 3 PM on a Tuesday. It always looks like this.

The only problem at a club like that is that the zombies would have an easy time. A lot of the clothing in there is, let’s say, minimal. Not a lot of fabric to bite through. In a zombie movie that’s a design flaw. So if you’re hiding at the club, put on a hoodie. Dress for survival, not for the VIP section.

Now if you want to know where it already looks like the zombie apocalypse happened, go to Mall of the Americas. I’m sorry. I love you, but if you’re shopping there on a weekday you are dead inside. Half the stores are closed, the lights are flickering, and there’s one guy walking very slowly past the food court holding a pretzel. That’s not a shopper. That’s a zombie that hasn’t been told yet.

And don’t forget your abuela’s house. She’s got a hurricane closet with forty cans of Goya beans, three cases of water, a radio from 1992, and a machete from the farm back home. The safest place in Miami has always been abuela’s house. The zombies will knock on the door and she will make them take their shoes off first.

Miami Is Already Trained for the End of the World

Here’s what people outside of Florida don’t understand. We already prep for the apocalypse every single year. It’s called hurricane season. The moment a storm shows up on the news, every Publix in Miami turns into a zombie movie. Empty shelves, people fighting over the last case of water, somebody’s uncle loading twelve gas cans into a Corolla. We’ve seen it. We’ve lived it. A zombie apocalypse is just a hurricane that bites.

We have generators. We have shutters. We have a group chat with the whole family that already exists for emergencies, and by emergencies I mean who’s bringing the lechón to Nochebuena. That group chat would become the most powerful survival network in the country. “Tía says zombies are on Bird Road, take Coral Way.”

And our traffic? It’s a defense system. Zombies can’t get through I-95 at rush hour. Nobody can. The Palmetto would hold them back for weeks. They’d be stuck between the Dolphin Expressway exit and a guy who refuses to merge, moaning like the rest of us.

Then there’s the heat. Zombies are basically walking dead bodies, right? Put a dead body in Miami in August, with the humidity at a hundred percent, and see how long it lasts. They’d melt. Every zombie that shows up between June and September is done in a week. The mosquitoes alone would finish them off. Miami’s weather has been trying to kill all of us for decades, and now it’s finally on our side.

Miami Drivers Were Born for This

You know who would be the heroes of the zombie apocalypse? Miami drivers. Finally, every bad habit becomes a survival skill. No turn signals? Good, the zombies don’t know where you’re going. Running red lights? Required. Driving on the shoulder? That’s just the escape route. Cutting across three lanes to make an exit at the last second? That’s elite zombie evasion.

The rest of the country would be watching the news like, “How is Miami surviving?” Because we’ve been driving like it’s the apocalypse since the eighties. We just never had a reason before.

Why Halloween in Miami Isn’t Scary Anyway

And look, this is the city where nothing really scares us. There’s always reggaeton playing somewhere. A zombie could be dragging himself down the street and a car would drive by blasting Bad Bunny and he’d start dancing. Now he’s not scary. Now he’s a vibe. Somebody’s filming him for Instagram. He goes viral. He’s got a brand deal by Friday.

That’s the Miami version of the zombie apocalypse. Caffeinated zombies, a 24 hour club full of survivors, abuela with a machete, a family group chat running the resistance, and a city that’s been rehearsing for disaster every hurricane season. The rest of America would fall apart in three days. Miami would just call it a long weekend and throw a party on the roof.

So this Halloween, if you’re looking for a costume, go as a Miami zombie. Gray makeup, torn clothes, a colada in one hand and a croqueta in the other. Everybody will know exactly what you are.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.