The malls in Miami are beefing with each other. Subconsciously. They don’t know they are, but they are, and the whole community knows it. Every mall in this city has a personality, a reputation and a type of person who will defend it to the death at a family party. So I sat down and broke down the list, mall by mall, the way only somebody who grew up spending entire Saturdays in them can. This is not a shopping guide. This is a ranking of feelings.

Dolphin Mall Is Still the King of Malls in Miami

Dolphin Mall is my personal favorite, and here’s why. When I was in high school and Dolphin Mall was being built, they hyped it up like it was Disney World. People were saying there were going to be roller coasters. Santa was going to be there 365 days a year. You were going to hang out, see your high school friends, watch a movie, play laser tag, hit the arcade, go to Dave and Busters. It was the future.

Now get this. As I got older, you can still see your high school friends at Dolphin Mall. Lo and behold, there they are. Except now they’re pushing a stroller and holding a Cinnabon for their kid. “You got a family now? Since when?” Dolphin Mall is a time machine that only goes forward.

And the place gets lit. Go on a Friday or Saturday night. There’s a live band, some guy on the congas going all out like it’s his last show on Earth, a lady singing, and a daiquiri bar right in the middle of everything. So while your kids are running around, you can get a little tipsy. I respect that. Dolphin Mall understands the Miami parent.

I only have one question for Dolphin Mall. Why are there two GameStops? There’s one at the entrance, and the kid is like, “Mommy, I want the new Nintendo.” No. You’re not getting the new Nintendo. Then you walk all the way down the mall and there’s another GameStop. And the parent just breaks. “Fine. You win.” GameStop is out here running a strategy. Two locations, one goal: wear the parents down.

International Mall and the Amazon Return Life

Second on the list is the International Mall in Doral. I like it because that’s where I go to return my Amazon packages. There’s a whole area at Kohl’s dedicated to people like me walking in with a box and a face full of disappointment. And then they give you five dollars off because Amazon messed up your order. I’ll take it. That’s customer service.

Other than that, it’s a solid, nice sized mall where you can find all the basics. You got your Hot Topic, you got your Spencer’s, and around Halloween there’s always some kind of haunted house thing going on in there. It’s the dependable friend of Miami malls. It’s not going to impress you, but it’s going to show up.

Mall of the Americas and Sunset Mall Are Living on Life Support

Dolphin Mall was my teenage years and my present. The Mall of the Americas is more like a museum. If you’re filming a zombie movie or anything post apocalyptic, you don’t need to fix that place up. No props. Just walk in and yell “action.” Empty shops in the background, the old movie theater closed down, the whole vibe is “something happened here.”

And it hurts, because back in the 90s that mall had a badass arcade. I used to play games there before watching Jurassic Park when it first came out. Then you get older, drive down Flagler, look to the left and go, “Oh my God. What happened?”

The crazy part is it’s still open. It’s got little mom and pop boutiques, an Obamacare office, I think there’s a DMV somewhere in there. It’s on life support. Costco and Home Depot are right across the street, and they’re the only two visiting it in the hospital. Just standing by the bed like, “How you doing, buddy? You doing okay?” And the mall is lying there going, “We still got a Marshalls.” Beep. Beep. Beep.

Then there’s Sunset Mall, which is on the same level, just with more effort. Sunset Mall looks like it’s been trying its best to stay alive and it’s still empty. Every time I walk through it, I feel like I’m trespassing. It feels illegal to be in there. And when you finally see one other person walking around, it turns into the Wild West. You lock eyes. “You feeling lucky, punk? There’s only room for one person to enjoy these closeout sales, and it’s me.”

Merrick Park, Aventura Mall, Sawgrass and the Rest

Merrick Park in Coral Gables is one of the best kept mall secrets in Miami, mostly because nobody talks about it unless they’re wealthy and live in the Gables. I feel like they don’t want anybody to know. “We don’t want the youngins running around where I get my khakis and my Cole Haans.” It’s like a fancy cul de sac with three levels. Great for parkour. Terrible when the shoe store you need is on the third floor and you already parked on the first.

Aventura Mall is beautifully decorated and has a second floor, which is a flex. It’s also the best place in the city to people watch from the balcony. The only risk is when you’re staring at somebody below you for material and they randomly look up and catch you glaring at them like a gargoyle. Now it’s weird. Now you have to act like you were looking at the Zara sign.

Sawgrass Mills and The Falls are the North Star and the South Star of malls in Miami. They are the two farthest apart. If you ever need to go from The Falls to Sawgrass because they didn’t have your shoe size, you need a passport. It’s three hours. God forbid you take an Uber. You’ll spend more on the ride than on the shoes.

The Design District isn’t a mall, it’s a flex with valet, and I already gave it its own post. And then there’s the Swap Shop, which I’ve honestly never been to, but I imagine it’s like that rack of random stuff by the register at Ross, times a hundred. A twenty dollar Bluetooth speaker. A saddle for a horse. “I’m going to the Swap Shop, you need anything?” “Just get me whatever, bro. I’ll know it when I see it.”

Rest in peace to the Opa-locka flea market, too. A legend. I was scared for my life walking through it, and I’d go back tomorrow if I could.

So that’s the ranking. Dolphin Mall is still the king, the International Mall is the reliable cousin, Merrick Park is the secret, Aventura is for people watching, and the Mall of the Americas is holding on with everything it’s got. Go show it some love. Costco can’t visit every day.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.