If scary movies were filmed in Florida, half of them would be over in five minutes. Think about it. Imagine the movie Scream happening to one of us down here. The phone rings, a creepy voice goes, “What’s your favorite scary movie?” And the guy in Miami goes, “Bro, I got a gun. I can see you. Come on in. I’ll leave the front door open.” Guy shows up with a big knife, and it’s, “Oh hey, what’s up man. Welcome to Florida.” No sequels. No Scream 2. The whole franchise ends up as a headline on Only in Dade and a meme by lunchtime. “Man in Scream costume tries to break in with a knife, immediately regrets it.” That’s the movie. Roll credits.

So this Halloween I started thinking about every classic horror movie and how it would actually go if they shot it here. Spoiler alert: Florida ruins every single one of them.

If Scary Movies Were Filmed in Florida, the Villain Would Lose

Horror movies only work in places where people are polite and unprepared. Small towns in the woods. Suburbs with white picket fences. People who say “Hello? Is someone there?” and walk toward the noise. Miami doesn’t walk toward the noise. Miami hears a noise and yells something in Spanish that I can’t put on this blog, and then the noise leaves.

The villain in a horror movie needs a victim who runs upstairs instead of out the front door. In Florida, nobody’s running upstairs, because most of us live in one story houses with burglar bars on every window. Freddy Krueger would need a locksmith and a permit just to get in. And when he finally gets inside, abuela is sitting in the living room in the dark, watching a novela at full volume, and she goes, “¿Y tú quién eres?” Freddy is done. He’s leaving. He doesn’t want that.

Halloween, Jaws and Friday the 13th, Miami Edition

Let’s do Halloween first. Michael Myers is famous for walking slow. He never runs. He just walks, calm, steady, and somehow catches up. Cool. Put Michael Myers on I-95 at 5 PM. Nobody’s catching anybody. He’s walking on the shoulder for three hours, sweating through the mask in 92 degree heat, and some guy in a lifted truck slows down to film him for Instagram. By the time he gets to Kendall, he’s dehydrated and needs a croqueta and a Gatorade.

Jaws is the one that scares me, because Florida actually has sharks. But even then, a Miami Jaws doesn’t work. The mayor in the original movie refuses to close the beach because of tourist money, right? That part is just a documentary down here. But the people on the beach? They’d see the fin and somebody would try to take a selfie with it. A guy from Hialeah would swim out to “go check.” Half of South Beach would stay in the water because they already paid for the cabana. The shark would get confused and leave. Too much noise. Too much reggaeton coming off the speaker.

Friday the 13th takes place at a summer camp by a lake. In Florida, that lake has alligators. Jason Voorhees would step into the water in the first scene and get dragged under by a twelve foot gator. Movie over. The gator is the real slasher in Florida. He doesn’t need a hockey mask. He’s been here since the dinosaurs and he’s not impressed by you.

The Exorcist, Chucky and Paranormal Activity in a Cuban House

The Exorcist in Miami doesn’t need a priest. The family calls abuela. She shows up with holy water, a candle from the botánica, a rosary, and a chancleta. The demon sees the chancleta and immediately confesses. Head stops spinning. Pea soup gets cleaned up. Then abuela makes everybody eat, because you can’t fight evil on an empty stomach.

Chucky is a little killer doll, right? Every Cuban or Colombian grandma’s house in Miami already has a shelf of creepy porcelain dolls in frilly dresses that watch you while you sleep. Chucky walks into that room and gets scared. He’s like, “Who are all these people?” He thinks it’s a gang. He’s outnumbered. Those dolls have been staring at kids since 1987. Chucky’s an amateur.

Paranormal Activity is about a couple who sets up cameras because they hear weird noises at night. In Miami, every noise at night is explained. That’s the AC unit dying. That’s the neighbor’s rooster. That’s a mango hitting the roof. That’s somebody’s car with a muffler they “fixed” themselves. The ghost could be standing right there knocking on the wall and we’d go, “Nah, that’s the hurricane shutters. Go back to sleep.”

Why Florida Is Already Scarier Than Hollywood

Here’s the real reason horror movies don’t get filmed in Florida. Hollywood can’t compete. You can’t write anything scarier than what’s already on the local news. Every morning there’s a story that sounds made up. A guy fighting an iguana. A woman driving a golf cart on the Turnpike. Somebody arrested for something with a manatee. Writers in LA are sitting in a room trying to come up with a twist, and then they read a Florida headline and go, “Okay, we can’t top that. Let’s do a rom com.”

And the stuff that actually scares Floridians isn’t in any movie. It’s the FPL bill in August. It’s the insurance renewal letter. It’s the HOA email with “URGENT” in the subject line. It’s hearing “the cone shifted” on Channel 10. It’s a parking ticket in South Beach that costs more than your dinner. Freddy Krueger can’t do anything to us that the property tax assessment hasn’t already done.

So if you’re watching scary movies this October, go ahead, enjoy them. Turn the lights off. Just know that if any of these villains ever came down to Florida, they’d be crying in a Publix parking lot by the second act, sunburned, bitten by a mosquito the size of a quarter, and asking somebody for directions back to the Turnpike. Florida wins. Florida always wins. Happy Halloween, Miami.

Come Laugh With Us Live in Miami

Reading about Miami is fun, but nothing beats being in the room when the whole crowd loses it. Here are the comedy shows happening in Miami this week. Grab a ticket, bring a friend who needs a laugh, and come say what’s up after the show.