Things To Do in Miami This Week If You’d Rather Avoid World Cup Arguments

The World Cup is right around the corner, and Miami is preparing the same way it always does: by making us prove our dedication to Latino loyalty, and paying top dollar for it.

Ticket prices are already climbing into the thousands. At this point, organizers should start selling tickets to watch the game from inside the ventilation shafts. Call it a VIP experience.

Climate-controlled.

Exclusive.

Limited space.

They're leaving money on the table. Or shall we say... in the vents.

You've probably noticed an increase in little country flags appearing in Instagram bios lately.

Whenever you see one, it usually means one of three things:

They're from there.

They're cheering for that country during the World Cup.

They once visited for three days on somebody else's credit card and have made it their entire personality.

But those flags aren't really for national pride.

They're signals.

Signals that say, "Please bring your international spending habits to Miami."

Because during the World Cup, the entire city becomes an economic exchange program. And I'm proud to say the Ventanita window prices are STABLE!

For one glorious month, Miami transforms into the closest thing we'll ever see to South America starting World War III.

Fortunately, the battles aren't over territory.

They're over who makes the better empanada.

Friendships will be tested.

Families will be divided.

WhatsApp groups will become active combat zones.

Most bars, restaurants, and venues throughout Miami will be showing the matches. Every television within city limits is about to become a soccer shrine. Where we lay candles and ask the soccer saints to grant us un golazo.

If you're planning to join the madness, there will be plenty of places to watch.

If you'd rather avoid the international diplomatic incident unfolding table by table, we've got a safer alternative.

Comedy.

Cold drinks.

Air conditioning.

And significantly fewer arguments.

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Whether you're cheering for Saudi Arabia, Uruguay, Cabo Verde, Scotland, Brazil, Colombia, or Portugal, or simply cheering against your ex's favorite team, we've got a seat waiting for you.

See you at the show.