Miami did it again. We’re building something massive, mysterious, and somehow still unfinished. This time it’s the Miami Arches, also known as The Fountain—a concrete monument rising from I-395 that’s been under construction longer than most Brickell leases.
They said it would finish in 2024. Then 2026. Now it’s looking like the 2030s, with nearly a billion dollars of taxpayer money poured into it. And honestly, that feels right.
Construction Is Our Culture
Since the 80s, Miami’s main infrastructure project has been traffic. I was stuck in it as a kid, stuck in it as a teenager, and still stuck in it now. If Back to the Future was filmed in Miami, all three movies would still have the Palmetto under construction.
Miami without traffic doesn’t feel right. During COVID, when the streets were empty, it felt eerie—like a Twilight Zone episode called The Day Nobody Cut Me Off. Road rage is practically a local tradition.
“If Back to the Future was filmed in Miami, all three episodes would still have construction happening in our expressways.”
The FDOT Performance Art
Art Basel has painters and sculptors. Our expressways have construction workers pouring concrete while eating pan con lechón. At this point, we should call it performance art—the city’s longest running installation piece.
“Art Basel has artists—FDOT has construction workers eating pan con lechón while pouring concrete.”
Everyone complains about the delays and the cost, but it’s also the most Miami thing ever: flashy, expensive, and suspicious.
The City Got a BBL
Out of all the designs they could’ve gone with, the arches ended up curvy. Someone in a boardroom must’ve said, “The city’s too flat. Give her hips.”
“It feels like a plastic surgeon pitched it—‘Do whatever you want, babe, just make sure it looks good from the air.’”
The Fountain isn’t just a bridge—it’s a BBL for the skyline, funded by a sugar-daddy budget and justified with press releases.
Why Call It The Fountain?
It’s a poetic name, but in Miami it means many things:
The Fountain of Youth—Influencers renting Lambos and selling eCourses on balconies.
The Fountain of OnlyFans—Stay young, stay trending.
The Fountain of Laundered Money—Cash flows here, and nobody asks where it came from.
“It’s washing away all the people who can’t afford $30 margaritas.”
Water, money, and people all flow east—usually toward the tolls.
Brickell: Cardio and Coping
Gentrification in Miami has evolved. It’s no longer just about moving out the poor. Now it’s about removing the upper-middle class.
How do I know? Rollerblades.
“I saw people in Brickell rollerblading. That’s not gentrification, that’s coping.”
Run clubs, cycling, dog parks, and French bulldogs aren’t just hobbies—they’re financial coping mechanisms. Can’t afford another rooftop bar tab? Go block traffic with a group run.
Sketch idea: a David Attenborough-style documentary called Surviving Brickell.
“Here we see the Brickellite migrating from Whole Foods to Casa Tua, dodging scooters and HOA fees in the wild.”
How to Get Rich in Miami
Someone in the chat asked, “How do you get rich in Miami?” and I had to pause the jokes for a second. The truth is, being free within your means is the real flex.
“The internet tricked you into believing success means having a nicer car. Real success is not needing to show it off.”
The secret is living below your means, stacking up, and not comparing yourself to what everyone else is posting. Freedom is the ultimate Miami luxury.
The Statue of Litberty
If Miami can spend nearly a billion on The Fountain, we can definitely afford a Statue of Liberty—our version called the Statue of Litberty.
Picture it: a bottle service girl holding up a champagne bottle with a sparkler. A beacon for every sugar daddy and tourist ready to get financially humbled.
“We call it the Magic City because we make your money disappear—just like a sparkler on the ’gram that burns out in 30 seconds...”
Instead of “Give me your tired, your poor,” our plaque would read, “Give me your Cash App and your Amex.”
The Fountain as a Mirror
When it’s all said and done, The Fountain isn’t just a bridge, it’s Miami’s reflection. A billion-dollar metaphor for ambition, vanity, and speculation.
“There should be a plaque that reads: ‘Dedicated to everyone who complained about traffic and still took the expressway.’”
Whether you love it or hate it, it’s the perfect Miami monument: flashy, controversial, and somehow still under construction.
Upcoming Comedy Shows as of 10-9-25
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