The Safest Neighborhood in Miami Isn’t What You Think (It’s Wherever the Abuelas Live)

One thing I’d say is underrated. I think living in an area where old people are has got to be one of the best investments you can make in your entire life. And I’ll tell you why.

If you live in South Beach, or in Brickell, or in Wynwood, you are going to be the victim of a crime. Inevitably. It is inevitable that you’ll either get robbed, broken into, stalked, you know, someone trying to give you a fight cause they’re drunk or something. Something is gonna happen. Cause when you’re living in these newer Miami communities, everyone out there is on that Miami lifestyle. They’re on that Miami tip. They’re trying to get lit. They’re trying to make things happen.

If you get a high rise in Brickell, or one of those lofts in Wynwood, or you got a nice apartment in South Beach, downstairs the crime is just impossible to avoid. Something is gonna happen. You will end up on the news somehow. Whether it be that the manager of the building was stealing your funds, or somebody was kicking down doors at 4 in the morning cause they were on that 2C or whatever, something’s gonna happen.

But if you live where old people live, you are in the safest neighborhood in all of Miami.

Why Abuela Security Is Better Than the FBI

It’s the best kind of security. Not only do you have cameras, you know, Ring cameras and alarms, but you also got dogs barking out the window that old ladies own, and they’re also looking out the window. Chief Mucosa, just looking out. All they gotta do is look at you a certain way and the cops show up.

Suspicious activity? They’ve got reverse racism on lock too. They see a gringo, they’ll call the cops just because you’re not Latino enough to be in their neighborhood. Like, “why is this blonde hair, blue eyed guy here? It’s just suspicious.”

Anything that old people aren’t accustomed to is automatically suspicious. A brand new car? Something is wrong. You getting your mail at 7 AM instead of 2 PM? Something is wrong. They wanna get all up in your life. And if they see something is up, they notice it.

A True Story About My Rim

Just recently I had to go change the rim of my car, and I didn’t have my car for like six weeks. The whole talk of the neighborhood for the old people was, “oh, he totaled his car.”

What? Where did that come from? The neighbor looking out the window saw my car get towed, six weeks past, didn’t have the car. Old lady told everybody I got in a wreck when it was just a rim. Now why did it take six weeks? Probably cause these are high end Mazda cars. 2025, top of the line abuelas, gotta be imported from Japan. But she doesn’t understand that.

I felt safe though. Cause if somebody stole my car, she would’ve told the whole neighborhood about that. And I would’ve known immediately.

The Whole Neighborhood Is Watching

Everything is security down pat when there’s old people around. Got the community full of old people? Best investment ever. You go out for a walk, they give you a wave. That’s it. Ain’t no conversation. No elevator yapping. None of that, “oh yeah, you going to the running club? Oh yeah, what’s a good bar around here?” None of that. All out. Hi, bye. Bam.

The Best Investment You Can Make in Miami

Move in with some old people. Preferably abuelas and abuelos. A retirement area as a young F-boy in Miami? Gotta be the best. The absolute best. That’s my take.

Forget the high rise. Forget the loft. Forget paying $4,000 a month to live next to a guy named Chad who throws up on the elevator every Saturday. Move next to abuela. She’ll watch your car better than ADT. She’ll know your schedule by Tuesday. And if you ever go missing, the whole block will be on the case before sunset.

That’s not just real estate. That’s a security system, a neighborhood watch, and a HOA all rolled into one little old lady looking out her window.

---

Want to laugh about Miami life in person? Come out to one of our live comedy shows. We’re at Blackbird Ordinary on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and Thank You Miami on Mondays and Fridays.